WELCOME, MY CHILDREN.
WHAT ILLS HAVE YOU DONE LATELY? YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE IF YOU’RE SEEKING REDEMPTION THROUGH CONFESSION AND PENANCE. ABSOLUTION IS NOT GIVEN BY THE CONFESSOR. THAT’S BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR GOD ALONE. (FOR THE GODLESS WHO WISH TO CONFESS ANYWAY, READ ON). THE CATHOLIC CHURCH MAY CLAIM TO ABSOLVE YOU OF YOUR SINS BUT THAT DOESN’T FLY HERE. WE DEFER STRAIGHTAWAY TO HIGHER AUTHORITY*. WE CAN ONLY PUT A GOOD WORD IN FOR YOU.
PENANCE IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT. AND I PROMISE YOU IT WILL HURT A BIT. IT WILL HURT YOU MORE THAN IT WILL HURT ME. AND NO THIS ISN’T AN S/M OR B&D SITE. WELL MAYBE DISCIPLINE, YES. BUT CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT, YOU BET!! SO START YOUR CONFESSION NOW. WHAT’S THAT? SOMEONE’S ASKING ABOUT PRIVACY? THIS IS THE WORLD WIDE WEB, YOU FOOL!
* your higher authority would be whoever you worship: Jesus and his father or his mother, Buddha, Mohammad, Krishna, Satan, Zoroaster, Zorro, Lilith, Springsteen, Warhol, your Guru, Cher, etc.. etc.. or for if you’re atheist or Metro; your very own beloved and esteemed Higher Self.